And so it begins...

Terminal 5 is one of the few parts of the British transport network that is genuinely world class. 

Ok, it's a sprawling fusion of metal and glass stuck at the bottom of a strip of tarmac in the arse end of Middlesex, but it ain't Birmingham New Street. So I guess that classifies it as some kind of 21st century British success story.

I got here a good three hours before take off. Time at the airport before a long flight to chill, drink and buy the last few essentials is for me not only essential, but one of the best parts of the trip.

I dropped my luggage off, and presented my passport and boarding pass to a rather grumpy looking British Airways member of staff. He then proceeded to go through my passport, page by page, reading every single stamp in it. Now I proudly admit there's quite a lot to look through, but this wasn't a social event - I wanted to get through into departures and start the drinking. 

"Been to South Africa many times, Mr Nicholls?"
"No, this will be my first time," I replied, which given that he had gone through every page of my passport, shouldn't have come as much of a surprise.
"The South African authorities require you to have at least one blank page in your passport. Please remember that."

I took my passport off him and wandered over to security. Curious, I leafed through my passport and, despite the multitude of stamps from South East Asia, found there were in fact nine blank pages in it. Quite what this muppet was on aboutI don't know. Bored shitless, I assume.

Given that a gruelling few months had taken its toll on me, I decided that my impending holiday merited a celebration, and so I treated myself to a glass of champagne at one of T5's bars. Ten quid for a 125ml glass of bubbly was not only excessively indulgent, it was also extremely daft as I wolfed it down in a few minutes and then found myself in search of a Wetherspoons to spend the remnants of my Sterling.

At a little after 7.30pm, we took off and left the cold and misery of London behind. The flight was reasonable - I got pissed and was actually denied access to the bar by a stewardess as we flew somewhere over the Democratic Republic of Congo. "I think you've had enough to drink, sir. Try and get some sleep." I had, and I did...